Tag Archives: Fuck You Marie Claire

“You… but dead.” (Dear Marie Claire, Go Fuck Yourself V2.0)

So not only does Marie Claire want you to follow some heinously misguided “nutrition” advice to achieve your ideal body, they have also kindly provided a handy tool to help you imagine what you might look like if you were say, emaciated from your healthful diet of lemon water and enzyme supplements.

Meet the Marie Claire “Virtual Weight Loss Tool.” Under the charming heading of “You… but better” this handy application modifies pictures you upload of yourself to simulate weight gain or loss. Haven’t you always wanted to know what you’d look like if you lost 40 pounds? Or gained 20? (Interesting that the program allows you mimic 40 pounds of weight loss, but only 20 of weight gain. Perhaps they think our tender self-esteems cannot handle a vision of ourselves 40 pounds heavier. God forbid, that’s like an entire starving adolescent in Guatemala!)

Developed by the social innovators asshats at ModiFace (“The world’s most advanced virtual makeover technology”), this is an example of evil at work in the world. If you go to the ModiFace website you can read that the software includes “over 100 virtual makeover options, including cosmetics, anti-aging, hair style and color, weight loss, dress simulation, and skin care effects.” So can we assume their services also include virtual skin lightening, eye-lid westernization, and hair de-kinking?

And to add insult to injury, the software isn’t even very good! Here’s what I would look like should I want to lose 40 pounds a and go into renal failure:

And here’s me a revolting 20 pounds heavier! Listen, if you’re going to go to all the trouble of developing software to body shame us, at least make it functional!

The “Virtual Weight Loss Tool” is just another example of Marie Claire being completely tone deaf when it comes to discussions of body image and health. Obviously the same could be said of any Lady Mag, but Marie Claire seems to be a particularly egregious offender.

So I think we should do something about it. Go onto the anorexia machine and doctor a photo of yourself looking either alluringly cadaverous, or revoltingly obese. If you’re feeling spunky, flip the bird as I have done. Or even better, eat a cheeseburger while taking the photo. Then send them into the Editor in Chief of Marie Claire, Joanna Coles at JoannaColes@hearst.com. Or twitpic it and tweet it to @marieclaire.

We don’t have to let this wash over us like everything else that tells us we are too fat, or not eating enough mulched Kale. Let’s take this opportunity to scream as loud as we can.

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Dear Marie Claire, go fuck yourself.

Photo courtesy of Marie Claire via Getty Images. But wait, don't bananas make you fat?

Marie Claire would really like you to starve yourself to death. Or at least that’s how it seems from this pile of unadulterated bullshit.

“What Nutritionists Really Eat!”

Let’s take a look, shall we?

Up first, Natalia Rose:


  • Lemon tea with fresh, raw grated ginger, a squeeze of lemon, and Stevia to taste (a natural, calorie-free sweetener), 24 fl oz — 3 calories*
  • Mountain Valley Spring Water, 16 fl oz — 0 calories


  • Nothing


  • One small watermelon — 230 calories
  • Two cantaloupes — 376 calories
  • Two bananas — 200 calories
  • Smoothie (pineapple, avocado, kale, alfalfa sprouts, coconut water, mint) — 366 calories


  • Box of Salud macaroons, 4.5 oz — 604 calories


THIS IS TOTALLY BONKERS. No breakfast (lemon tea and water do not count) and no lunch but it’s probably because she’s saving all her calories for dinner when she pigs out on various melons!  And then for dessert, in a completely confusing twist, an entire box of macaroons. This is a picture of disordered eating, and Marie Claire presents it without comment, as if these diets are something to strive for, something to attain. Natalia Rose’s attitude towards food is clearly fucked:

“Instead of being bogged down by your meal, you should be elevated by it. I don’t use food mindlessly as a social pastime or something to do when I’m bored. It’s spiritual, and truly part of a holistic lifestyle. I believe that we take our vitality predominantly from the air, sunlight, and clean water, so I don’t take anything but this ‘life force energy’ until the sun goes down, then I enjoy nutrient-rich foods — along with others that are less so but that I enjoy anyway! Of course there are fun things to eat. But most people eat to escape their lives. A lot of us don’t realize that we don’t need to do things the normal way.”

The “normal way”  being eating food to, you know, survive? She doesn’t use food as a “social pastime,” so that means she’d be the most insufferable person ever to spend time with, and since she only eats calories after the sun goes down I have to assume that she is, in fact, some kind of vampire.

The rest of the women (obviously they’re all women) are a variation on this same theme, with some edging closer to a healthy daily intake of food, you know, the stuff that keeps us alive. Most of them have nothing but lemon water for breakfast (is there something I don’t know about lemon water? will it give me magical powers?) and then an assortment of tiny servings of tiny food throughout the rest of the day. “no more than 15 baby carrots!” “kale smoothie!” “Rainbow Light EnzyMend digestive enzyme supplement.” Sounds delicious.

This is not the first time Marie Claire has shown us an ugly side. A few months ago columnist Maura Kelly drew fire for this outrageously offensive piece about how fat people gross her out. (She updated the piece and added an apology, but  frankly, that doesn’t mean shit to me.)

The worst part of course, is that these people are nutritionists. People pay them actual money to give them nutritional guidance. But from the sounds of it, they might just be paying them to take their food away.

“Listen ladies, I know this great little weight loss retreat. It’s a rural village in Rwanda where the only source of food is rotting cabbage. You’ll go down at least two dress sizes, guaranteed!”

To publish this not only without comment but as reliable information from “experts” on the matter is flat out dangerous. People talk a lot about “body image” and “media influence” and “dying from anorexia,” but we can’t let our guard down. We can’t becomes desensitized to this kind of bullshit because the threat it presents is real. We have to remain vigilant in calling this out when we see it.

After reading this all I wanted to do was eat a piece of pizza. And if you feel the same way, go ahead and do so, in moderation, along with lots of fresh fruits and vegetables.

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