Who Okayed This? (Charlie Sheen edition)

This is not a picture of Charlie Sheen because I never want to see his face again. This is a picture of an adorable puppy.

Like this asshat needs any more words written about him, I know. A part of me hoped that this man was like that annoying person at the party. Just avoid eye contact and hopefully they’ll go away or at least pass out on top of the pile of coats in the bedroom. But the problem is, he’s not that person. He’s more like that person at the party who backs you into a corner in the kitchen and feels you up before puking on your new shirt. Or to be more precise, he’s like the ebola virus. He will make you shit blood.

There have been lots of great posts on El Asshat (as he will henceforth be called) like this one about him and his Asshat in training Chris Brown. So why wade into the fray? Because of this nonsense. That’s great everyone. Pay a hundred dollars to go watch an abusive addict desecrate the Massey Hall stage. Beyond the horrifying image conjured by the name of the tour – “My Violent Torpedo of Truth.” Really? Really? Why don’t you just call it “My Rapey Penis” – the fact that people are clamouring to attend makes me so stabby because:

1) This man is obviously mentally ill. So we’ve managed to monetize someone’s complete unravelling. And yes, he’s doing it to himself. All of it. But that kind of makes it worse since obviously this is not someone who is making anything close to a good decision. Even President Bartlet Martin Sheen AKA Dad called him “emotionally crippled.” And this coming from a guy who had a nervous breakdown on camera.

2) You’re paying money to go watch someone who has a prolonged history of violence towards women. And in going to see him or in saying that anything is winning or tiger blood or whateverthefuck you are essentially condoning his behaviour. Yes you, asshole hipster, who thinks this is all so hilarious. Or even if you don’t think it’s hilarious and every El Asshat tweet you write is ironic it DOESN’T MATTER because you’re still giving him space in the public realm and therefore making ME have to hear about him more. HE SHOT HIS GIRLFRIEND IN THE ARM. DO NOT GIVE HIM YOUR MONEY OR YOUR TIME. It’s really that simple people.

Upside: Two and a Half Men might be over forever. And that would definitely improve the overall quality of life in North America and abroad.

Look for the silver lining.

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Who Okayed This? (19 Kids and Counting edition)

Michelle Duggar preps the troops for Holy War.

I have spent the past five months that I haven’t been blogging developing theories on the popularity of this show.

1) People have realized that Kate Gosselin, TV’s other mother-of-many, is really mean and potentially insane. And she was on Dancing with the Stars. She was very quickly transformed from relatable-middle-class-overworked-mother to there’s-no-way-I-can-feel-bad-for-you-now-TV star. Now she’s no longer “one of us,” she’s “one of them” and she has people after her over child labour laws and she was at the Emmys and she gets her teeth whitened all the time. (This is obviously an example of celebrity culture’s love of building someone up so they can tear them down but that’s another post.) Michelle Duggar will never be at the Emmys. She doesn’t let her children watch TV or attend school with people other than their own siblings and the only way she would ever dance on television would be behind a modesty curtain or something. She will always be the slightly harried, somewhat pitiable mother-of-many.

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Who Okayed This? (TLC edition #1)

Michelle Duggar wears white, stays modest!

Michelle Duggar explores fashion, wears white, stays modest!

For my first edition of “Who Okayed This,” (a segment in which I try to comprehend the logic of people in high-powered decision making positions who make  stupid and inadvisable  decisions) I will attempt to tackle the monstrosity that is TLC. Did you know that “TLC’ is supposed to stand for “The Learning Channel”? I’m sure you did know that, but even still I am going to point out how stupid it is because I promise no one has ever learned anything from that channel except for maybe something about how a pointed shoe and a wide legged trouser are somehow supposed to look good together or about how there are more midgets (yes, yes… “little people,” I know) than you might imagine who are willing to have all the minutia of their lives documented for a reality television show.

So yes, this channel is supposed to be about learning, and I suppose, a few years back they still kind of pretended that’s what it was about. I spent about ten minutes (a long time to look for something on the internet!) trying to find the old theme song to “A Baby Story” on youtube. I was unsuccessful, and it was not supposed to illustrate anything about learning but more about how GHETTO that network was before Kate Gosselin and her disaster of a family made them bazillions of dollars. If anyone remembers it, then you know of what I speak. I think the final line of that theme song was “Years may come and go/ but there’s one thing I know/ love is all there is when I’m with you” and this song accompanied a decapitated pregnant lady stroking her stomach behind while wearing some weird pregnancy negligee all in the softest focus you’ve ever seen… I swear to god this woman had no borders to her skin.

But that was then, and I can’t even believe I’m NOSTALGIC for that garbage. But there is a good reason why this is the case, and that reason is TLC’s current line-up, which includes the following:

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