How to Avoid Writing a First Draft in 5 easy steps

1) You’ve never wanted to master the art of french cooking more than you do right now. So what if it’s been done, on that blog, in that terrible movie, you need to make some coq au vin and you need to do it now. How are you going to find a freshly slaughtered 5 year old coq? What do you think two hour google sessions are for?

2) You finally realize how rewarding pet ownership can be. A dog always needs to be walked. A cat always needs to glare at you accusingly before lying on your keyboard. It’s not your fault, it needs the affection or else it will pee all over your everything.

3) You need to get in shape. It’s been proven that people with a nice lean torso are more productive. Or at least that’s what Dr. Oz says. So spending a few hours on the internet researching the most spiritually aligned/quad blasting/ yoga/spinning/pilates/juice bar in your neighbourhood is a must. But before you do that you need to:

3b) Go shopping. Ayn Rand and Kim Kardashian alike know the value of quality athletic wear. And really the $150 yoga pants ARE way better than the $15 ones from Joe Fresh. And even if you just end up wearing them to sit on your couch and watch Say Yes to the Dress, you’ll still be plugged into the beleaguered subculture of moms with very expensive strollers and coach running shoes.

4) Go shopping some more. You look around your house and realize all the things you are suddenly desperately in need of. Your tea towel collection is looking a little sparse. Off to Kitchen Stuff Plus with you. You look in your closet and realize there’s a startling gap in your denim colour continuum. Washed out for that sexy California beach look you can never achieve because god you’re so pale and dark for dressing up with heels and a polyester bar top from Jacob to go to a horrible bar on College St. for forty minutes before you come home to a half a box of clementines and some quality Netflix time but where is the classic mid-tone blue for going to costco on a Saturday morning while trying to pretend that you haven’t completely turned into your mother? Remedy this immediately!

5) Sleep until ten. Every. Single. Day.

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